Let us be silent so we can hear the whisper of God

With the recent passing of my Dad, I have spent a great deal of time hurting and crying. I often wonder what God thinks when we are hurting and crying.  Does He want to run to us and give us a hug?  That’s what  I want to do when one of my loved ones is crying and hurting.  When I close my eyes and try to imagine God’s loving arms drawing me to Him, it’s comforting. His arms are strong but gentle as he cuddles me. He ever so gently kisses away my tears, even as He cries with me.

 In Psalms 34 in The Message I have found comfort. Psalms 34:15,18a  God keeps an eye on his friends, his ears pick up every moan and groan….If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there.

Color drained out of my world and my perception of life changed to black and white.  Cold and sterile images filled my mind as I cried. How can anything ever be colorful and beautiful again? A huge void filled my chest where my heart once was. Oh the heart itself was still there but it was riddled with holes and tears washed away all traces of joy.  Loss had been experienced before, but this time I don’t think my heart will be able to heal.   I can’t get my mind wrapped around  the loss of my Dad.  He is one of the two people who was responsible for me even existing……without him…… I  wasn’t.  Now I am without him ……
As I walked through my darkened house and looked out into the bleakness of my black and white world, God splashed an orange sunset into view…….He said, ” the sunset is now your memory trigger for all the memories of your Dad.” Beautiful memories…..beautiful sunsets.   Thank you Heavenly Daddy…..please give my earthly Daddy a hug for me.

On January 10, 2009 a beautiful gentle man, who I will always call Daddy, passed away quietly.  This song(written and composed by Janet Paschal) was played in tribute to him.

In memory of my Daddy….Floyd Thompson   August 7, 1924- January 10, 2009

December 22, 2008 life changed forever. Dad had a cold type virus that left him too weak to continue at home. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance. We spent hours and hours in the ER. Dad was admitted to the hospital. Over the next several days, Dad’s health improved enough that the doctor decided to send him to a nursing home for rehab. The hope was that he would get stronger and be able to go home. Dad hated it there. Too many “old” people, his words. Somewhere along the way the part of his brain that signals thirst and hunger, ceased to work. Maybe it was even before then, but Mom was taking such good care of him and feeding him that it wasn’t an issue.
Dad was moved to the nursing home on Monday December 29. By Friday, his lack of nutrition and hydration sent his body into a down word spiral. When they awoke him that morning, his blood pressure was a dangerously low 62 over 40. He was immediately transported back to the hospital ER. He was readmitted to the hospital, this time is dire health. He had pnumonia in both lungs and his kidneys were shutting down. The doctor had no good news this time…….he wasn’t going to get well.
He has been given antibiotics, and an IV to get him rehydrated. For the first couple of days, Mom was able to get bits of food and fluids into him. However, his ability to swallow shut down and when given any food, liquid or meds by mouth, he just choked and choked.
A nurse came in one evening and had a crushed up pill mixed into some applesauce. She slipped it into his mouth and thought she heard him swallow. This night, my Mom and I were the only ones there. Dad started choking and choking on that little bit of pill and food. Between Mom and I we tried to get it out of his mouth. Just short of flipping him over on his face, we struggled for what seemed an hour to keep him from aspirating that into his lungs. When the nurse came back in later, we told her how close we felt we came to losing him. We said NOTHING more by mouth….he CAN’T swallow.
Now we were faced with the discision whether to have a feeding tube put in. My parents had decided long ago to have no heroic measures to preserve life. Carol, one of the nurses explained to us that by putting a feeding tube in, we were waking up his stomach and it would cause more pain. She gave us a article to read that also explained that dehydration is a normal part of dying and death. It causes no pain. We talked with the doctor and he told us that if it was his family member, he would just do what was necessary to keep him comfortable. So we did not have a feeding tube put in and we requested the IV be discontinued. They left the port in his arm so they could give any drugs needed to make him comfortable.
I am writing this after spending the night in the hospital with my Dad. I don’t want him to be by himself. Tuesday morning after my chiropractor visit, I went to the hospital at 9 am. My Dad was alert and trying to talk. Several times I could fully understand what he was saying. At one point he said, “Do you see them?” I said who, Dad? He said, “My mother and my sister sitting over there?”
I wasn’t seeing anyone but I truly believe he did. Another thing he said was that he was sorry for being a bother. I assured him, he was no bother and that I loved him. Several times he asked, “Where’s my wife?” I simply told him that she had to go home and let Sadie(the cat) out and that she would be back soon.
Please continue to pray for my Dad’s journey and for our family.

Every minute of every day, events happen that change the lives of people forever. Some events are happy ones and some are sad.

On Monday, we received very sad news. Our brother-in-law Tom had passed away unexpectedly. Tom was someone’s son, brother, husband, father, grandfather, brother-in-law, son-in-law, uncle and friend. Tom loved to live life LARGE, really LARGE.
Tom had a passion for music, he loved to go to the Blue Heron where the rockin’ music was very, very large. He loved to have very large bonfires and just live in the moment with family and friends. Tom also loved tattoos, he had large ones all over his body. He was a walking art canvass and won awards for the body art he wore proudly.

His greatest love was his family. He cherished his wife, Lori and even when they realized that they couldn’t live together anymore, they still loved each other. They had two beautiful children together, Jenny and Shane. They had also been blessed with two adorable grandchildren, Alec and Dakota. So Tom’s legacy lives on.
Life will never be the same for anyone who knew Tom. He touched so many lives, every person has their own unique memories of Tom.

Do you live LARGE? Or do you live life worrying what others will think of you? God made us each to be unique children. He molded your character and wants you to live the life He intended you to live. Don’t be afraid to look deep into yourself and uncover the “true you” Ask God to show you who He intended you to be. Your life IS touching other lives everyday. Live it LARGE!

 One good thing about my job is that I work by myself and can listen to my ipod as I work. My music is how God talks to me. At one point this week, I was wondering what God wanted me to do with my life. He has shown me bits and pieces of things but I’m not sure how to pull those pieces together to get the whole picture. Maybe He’s not ready to reveal all of it yet, but here’s an example of what He has shown me and how He orchestrated a part of His plan.

In early summer He pressed on my heart, a need for me to go on the missions trip to the Dominican Republic. The team had already been meeting and raising funds, when I approached them and told them I felt God wanted me to go.

While on the trip in July, we visited several churches within the Red Delcamino network. One of those churches was up in the mountains in Peralta. The church had started a medical ministry to serve the villagers. This village has a 80% unemployment rate, and most could not afford to see a doctor or go to a hospital. After touring the medical center which was only a handful of small rooms in an old dance hall, we had a time of Q & A. We asked what one thing would help the villagers to live healthier lives. We were told “safe drinking water”. Well, after coming home from the DR, I couldn’t get the children we had met out of my mind. They deserved a chance to grow up healthy.
In October, during a sermon series called Hope Lives, my heart was stirred with guilt. God was whispering to me, “I showed you the need, why haven’t you done anything about it?” I approached my Pastor and our missions team about raising money to help buy the water filtration systems that we had been told about while we toured the medical center in the DR. We could buy about 978 (that’s the number of families with children under the age of 5 in the village) water systems for only $2000.00. We decided that we would buy  978 small bottles of water and I would speak on Sunday to appeal to the congregation to buy a bottle of water to help raise the funds. God gave me the words that He wanted people to hear.  Over a four week period, we raised the full amount….PRAISE THE LORD!!! On November 19th, a check was sent for the full $2000.00.
I have been told many times over the past few years that I need to use my “gift” of writing. I don’t feel that I have that gift but now God seems to be using it regardless of my opinion.  The other day as I was asking Him what He wanted me to do, this song came on my ipod and I feel God used it to answer my questioning of Him.

It’s the Christmas season and for a lot of people, this time of year is a roller coaster of emotions. I am one of those people. My emotions can be calm and joy filled one minute and in utter turmoil the next. I love the songs of Christmas, they tell the story of Christ”s miraculous birth. My favorite is “Oh Holy Night”, but this year I found a new song that takes second place…..It’s sung by BEBO Norman and is titled “Born to die”.

They never knew a dark night
Always had the Son’s light on their face
Perfect in glory, broken by the story
Of untold grace, come that day

Majesty had come down, glory had succumbed now
to flesh and bone
in the arms of a manager, in the hands of strangers
That could not know, just who they hold

And the angels filled the sky
all of heaven wondered why
Why their King would choose to be
Be a baby born to die

And all fell silent for the cry of an infant
the voice of God
was dividing history for those with eyes to see
the Son would shine from earth that night

And the angels filled the sky
All of heaven wondered why
why their King would choose to be
Be a baby born to die, be a baby born to die

To break the chains of guilt and sin
To find us here, to pull us in
so we can join in heavens song
and with one voice around the throne

All the angels filled the sky
and I can’t help but wonder why
why this King would choose to be
be a baby born for me, be a baby born
be a baby born to die.

This story in awesome and brings such joy. Yet, I still am dealing with other things that cause great sadness and at times, anger.
I so miss my gram, this is the 3rd Christmas without her. In my mind I can still picture the many Christmases that I spent at her house. Helping to fix dinner, rolling out pie crust , getting to eat her wonderful pickles that she made, setting the big dining room table with all her best china and polishing the silverware so they shined and sparkled. Every year I would buy her a cannister of hard candies. Now when I see that same cannister in the stores, it makes me sad. I have a wonderful friend who said that it was okay to grieve, but that it might bring healing to buy that cannister of candy and give it to someone special or another senior citizen. What a wise friend I have.
I am also sad and somewhat angry that my Dad has alzheimers. That wonderful strong man that I called Daddy is losing memories. It’s not fair, he still looks like my Dad but He has forgotten so many years. He now talks about things that I have never heard before. Thats kind of neat but so many other important memories have been wiped out.The care of my father is taking a toll on my Mom’s health. It’s hard to be happy with so many sad things going on in my life. So thats a lot of what is causing my emotional roller coaster.